Shadows

And I know I must be on the mend, because I'm feeling awfully cranky, and girls are starting to look good again.

Took another afternoon excursion yesterday to check out what will soon be my new digs at Seventy Five State Street. They have a perfect apartment for me on the first floor of the independent living unit, with easy access to outdoors plus a balcony overlooking the garden...the only problem is that it is now in the process of being refurbished, so it may be two or three weeks before it is actually available. In the meantime, they also have two different apartments available on the fourth floor -- both of which are a little nicer in terms of the amenities than the one I've picked out, but will require me to move twice if I'm discharged from here before the first floor unit is available. Details, details.

Also solved the mystery of my missing bifocals yesterday (which have been missing now for several months); apparently the carpet cleaners found them, still safe in their new brown leather case, just beside a couple of half-chewed pigs ears and an old rib bone that Parker had "buried" somewhere beneath the furniture in my apartment. Poor critter -- I guess those cataracts really are more serious than I thought. But at least now I'm going to be able to see a little bit more clearly when I read.

People keep asking me how I stay so upbeat, and whether it's really "real" or if there is also some sort of terrible "dark side" that I keep only to myself. And all I can really say is sure -- there are times when I'm feeling a lot less sunny than others, but mostly I'm pretty much "what you see is what you get." The really bad times (which thankfully are few and far between) tend to come late at night, when I'm feeling kind of alone, and I don't have very good pain control, and let myself give in to the feeling of being scared of the dark -- all of the things that I don't know and can't control that might easily go wrong and....you get the picture. I want my mommy and she's not around...so I just have to remind myself that there's nothing to be afraid of, and that whatever happens it's going to be OK...or at the very least, that I can't make it any better by worrying about it. And that it's also OK to be afraid of the terrible...and that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the "heartiness" to act positively DESPITE one's fear. And then I call for more pain meds, and try to think happy thoughts for awhile.

The other times I feel discouraged seem to have a lot more to do with frustration than with fear itself. Especially now that I'm starting to feel stronger, I also feel the impatience welling up within me: I'm annoyed that I can't just get up out of this stupid chair and return to my old life -- free of cancer, of course -- and maybe 40-50 pounds lighter in the bargain. But that's just not going to happen either -- or at least not overnight. But if I just keep doing what they have me doing now, there's a pretty good chance that I'll be approaching SOMETHING like that by September...or at the very least, will be a lot closer to where I want to be than I am precisely at this moment. And so the answer to frustration and discouragement is tenacity and persistence...just as it is in every other frustrating and discouraging element of life. So maybe I should count myself lucky that I've experienced so much of those things in times past, and have the skills now to cope with them.

And here's the other funny thing, which I guess you could call a form of survivors guilt. But as grateful as I am for the truly astounding amount of resources I enjoy: financial, emotional, relational, spiritual and right on down the line, I also feel a little uncomfortable about the kinds of privileges and advantages those resources bring with them. I meet so many people these days, just in the ordinary course of receiving my own treatment, whose resources by comparison are so limited, and it just makes me wish that things were otherwise...that everyone could enjoy the same level of support and assistance that I enjoy. It's just an observation; I don't really have an answer. But it's on my mind a lot, and reminds me constantly of just how fortunate I truly am.