I know it's not fair, and I know life isn't fair, and I also know that on the whole scale of fair and unfair I have been blessed with so many advantages it's not really even fair to complain. But I SO wish that I could just stand up out of bed and walk six normal, painless steps to the bathroom in order to, you know, answer the call of nature. It would make such a HUGE difference in the quality of my life right now. i feel lucky that the nausea is just a little queasiness, and that the aches and pains and low-grade fatigue are nothing more than than are. I don't mean to whine about anything, really...not even the hit or miss annoyance of being an internet pirate (which is the main reason I haven't been posting too regularly...I can't find a strong signal to piggyback on). But sometimes it really is the little things that get you down. The little things you can't get away from even for a little while.
Missed church today, and was pretty disappointed about it -- except I also just knew that I really wasn't up for it. This was the Sunday of our Spring Festival, which I would have liked to have attended... even though most of it wouldn't have been especially accessible to me. Have no idea how well it went or how well attended it was. But I imagine the folks who showed up at a good time.
I was also interviewed briefly by telephone last Wednedsay during the last half-hour of my chemotherapy by a reporter from the Press Herald, for an article I thought might appear in yesterday's paper. But I didn't see it, so perhaps he never got it written. Not that I imagine my responses were too coherent. Asked a lot about the spirit at the church, and my impressions of how things were going, and I gave him the same answer I always give: the energy on Sunday Mornings seems very good, I know a lot of people are working very hard behind the scenes to make that happen, and that it has also created some new opportunities for other people to step in and join them, and that the hardest part for me is being forced to sit on the sidelines helplessly. But then he also asked about the "boat" -- the Dream Boat, the "dog-gone" boat...which I thought was pretty obvious was just something I was day-dreaming about, more of a notion than a goal. But also, I realized, a metaphor -- of freedom, independence, self-reliance, persistence, tenacity and endurance...a small, well-found vessel on a large and dangerous ocean....
And yes, somebody bought it -- the one I'd been dreaming about. So they didn't really "sell" MY boat. Somebody bought it. Just like I knew they would. Because it was a great deal, and I hope will give someone a great deal of pleasure too. And the nice thing about being me is that there are plenty of more boats out there to dream about. At least when I can get on line....
About Me
- The Eclectic Cleric
- Portland, Maine, United States
- Born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, sailing summers in the San Juan Islands and warding off the gloominess of the incessant winter rains by reading voraciously and drinking more than my fair share of Seattle's Best espresso. Five (count 'em) college degrees, making me an honest-to-God Crimson Dawg Duck Beaver Viking. Have served Unitarian Universalist congregations in both Midland Texas and on Nantucket Island (which made the 2004 election VERY interesting), as well as numerous other smaller UU fellowships along the I-5 corridor in Washington and Oregon. More recently, I relocated from the affluent faux rural suburbs of "the Neighborhood of Boston" (just beyond the Old North Bridge and through the woods, about five miles from the site of Thoreau's cabin at Walden Pond), to the bustling shores of Casco Bay at the southern edge of "Down East." But my ministry at the First Parish in Portland ME was cut short by a diagnosis of Lung Cancer in February, 2008. I currently live outside of Sacramento CA, retired with a permanent and total medical disability, as I battle with my disease and continue to ponder what God has in store for me next.
5 comments:
Hi Tim,
Yes, life can be unfair at times and when it is then whining and complaining, even if it is just in our minds, seems to be the path of least resistance. "Lord, take this cross away from me. I am not strong enough, wise enough, patient enough or deep enough to bear this burden You have handed me." It is natural for us to go to that place but can be a self defeating cycle. I have learned that when the voice in my head starts whining then I must treat myself like a 2 year old. Am I hungry, tired or stressed? If I am then I need to try my best to take care of my inner child....the whiner in me. If I am able to I nap, eat or try to relax. More often then not this will help lighten my outlook and if not silence the voices, then at least turn the volume down a bit.
The Spring festival was wonderful. We have such a loving and lively community. Stone showed up with the most awesome spread of food which when added to the hot dogs and ice cream made a sumptuous meal. At one point there was a whole crowd of children and adults sitting on the steps of the meeting house watching the jugglers amaze and astound. My favorite was Jeff and his cohorts singing sea songs.
You were missed today. Be well. Take it one day at time....even one hour at a time and be gentle with yourself.
just god bless you, tim, and know that you are not alone, alone, all, all alone, alone on a wide, wide sea. we are there with you.
love, liza
Hi Tim
Today's Victoria Day, (Happy Victoria Day) This from Princess Anne "When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground, and swish my tail-none of which is easy." Hope you smile! Anna B
Hi Tim:
I think it's okay to complain. You have that right after all you have been through. And, most of all, you are human. You still have the fight in you and that's what counts.
Keep the faith,
Lisa
Tim--us Vadinos are thinking about you alot (and reading the blog) and send best wishes and thoughts (and prayers) from us as well as Beth and Jeff T. whom I cross paths with. Let me know when a check-in call would be appropriate...Bill V.
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