Waiting, Waiting...

Well, yesterday's "bronch" went about as well as could be expected; still won't get any meaningful results until Tuesday after the holiday, so in the meantime I've got a three-day weekend here at the hospital with nothing to wear and no place to go anyway. Which is not EXACTLY true. There are lots of places I would like to go, if only I were able.

In my experience a bronchoscopy is one of those procedures which sounds a lot worst than it really is, and where the anticipation/preparation is MUCH worse than the procedure itself. The worst part of all was that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink from midnight until after 3 pm the following day -- not exactly the end of the world, but annoying enough to distract me from all of annoying side-effects of the procedure itself.

Once my physicians (who are multiplying exponentially) have had a chance to look at the bronch reports and make an assessement, I should know what the next step in my treatment will be: whether I begin my chemo right away, or start some sort of physical therapy while they knock down an infection with antibiotics. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to feel marginal but steady improvement to both my strength and my mobility, which is very encouraging. Still not ready to shoot any hoops, or even to return to my walk-up apartment. But I am becoming quite nimble in this wheelchair, and in getting around to perform my "daily functions."

Still, with all the drama, it's easy to forget that these entire past three weeks have just been a sideshow -- a distraction from the more important task of treating my primary tumor. And the hardest part of all is simply this feeling of being "stuck" -- unable to move about, unable to do my job, out of touch with what is happening in the world around me and incapable of participating in it in a meaningful way. But I'm trying to learn how to take advantage of this "enforced idleness" as well: to take the time I know I need to take to meditate, to stay focused on the big picture, to remain centered within myself and in touch with all of the ways I feel so blessed and fortunate.

And I certainly don't mean to sound like Pollyanna. But the outpouring of affection and support I have received following this diagnosis has truly been overwhelming. It routinely brings tears my eyes, and feelings of gratitude so profound I scarcely dare try to express them....

Talk about coincidence! Check out this LINK from today's Portland Press Herald religion page.