"What Ifs" and "Do Overs"

And it appears that my new-found standing and ambulatory abilities have arrived just in time to help me navigate the late-night emergency quick-step to the toilet -- no doubt too much information for many of my devoted readers here, but hey -- it happens; just be grateful you weren't here to have to deal with it personally! Meanwhile, I'm just telling myself that THIS is where old cancer cells go when they die, and good riddance!

Also turns out that this week when I stepped on the scale again on Wednesday for the SECOND time in nearly three months, I'm actually about 10 lbs lighter than I was the week before, which is probably a much more accurate reflection of what I truly weigh -- minus the water and whatever...about a 9 lbs weight gain in a period of three months, which isn't TOO bad considering how little exercise I've really done, and how much I've been trying to keep a "good appetite."

The good/bad news though is that now nothing really looks or tastes good anymore, which means that the long-expected sudden and dramatic chemotherapy-related weight loss may finally be just around the corner. Think my hair is finally starting to fall out too, although it's hard to tell. Sigh. Just another boring existential travail in the life of one more fat, balding, bearded, spectacled, privileged, over-educated middle-aged white guy.

In any event, due for another CT Scan early next week, to see whether my primary tumor has actually shrunk, grown (God Forbid!) or stayed the same. Depending upon how that goes, I may get a little break from therapy for awhile...but most likely we will be starting something new based on whatever new information we receive. Meanwhile, the start of the new church year is just a month away. I'm both excited and anxious...but that's nothing new. I feel that way EVERY year.

I've also been thinking way too much about What Ifs and Do Overs this past week -- no doubt two of the most profligate time-sucks every devised by the human imagination. Still, it's hard not to wonder from time to time: What If you you really did have it all to Do Over? Would we really make better decisions than the ones we made before? And this so quickly degenerates from mere fantasy into full-blown science fiction: how every decision-point from before the beginning of time is the beginning of a new trajectory in an infinite number of parallel "timelines" of possiblity...

It's no wonder that so many theologians took one look at that and decided that Free Will was a Big Joke -- that in order for the Universe to make sense at all God must have decided how it all would turn out since before the beginning of time. But who are we to second-guess the Mind of God? The other half of the puzzle is just as perplexing. Suppose you could only change ONE thing about your life? What would that be? And if it's really so important to you, what's to prevent you from doing it now? Discernment. Dedication. Devotion. Discipline. One day, one step, one person at a time....