False Starts

So, three false starts already to this blog this week, and who's to say this won't be a fourth? But it's been kind of a hard week for mel, with my emotions all very close to the surface...all wrapped up in a tight little parcel around the ending of the church year, and all of the transitions and leave-taking and emotional closure that happens around this time.

One of the most difficult things about my job is that no matter how well I think we are doing in the area of "retention," about 10% (or more!) of a congregation's membership turns over every year -- perhaps 5% to death, and the other 5% to various other factors, many of which are positive -- new jobs, new opportunities, that sort of thing. But this year those transitions have seemed particularly profound, especially since they've involved so many staff and leadership transitions as well, and the challenge of filling the institutional needs brought about by my illness.

And then there's my own growing realization that I'm going to have to give up my apartment. Or starting the process of filing a long-term disability claim...which is psychologically VERY difficult even though it is obvious to everyone that I am physically incapable even of getting to and from my "job," much less performing it at 100%. But this too just reinforces my own feelings of helplessness, and isolation, and dependency, and frustration....

And yes, I keep trying to come to grips with the difference between "adversity" and "catastrophe" -- and to keep reminding others not to stray over to the dark side of that line, but to remain confident that these present challenges will only make us stronger. Still, it's hard not to look out my window on a beautiful day like today and remember what my life was like just six, or twelve, or even three months ago. And what I NEED to be thinking about is what I want my life to be like three, or six, or twelve months from NOW. I WILL feel better at the end of this ChemoRx. Need to look forward to THAT day, rather than back at days that will never come again.

And just when you think there's no hope left in the world, the Celtics come back from a 35-14 First Quarter deficit to beat the Lakers handily on their own floor in Game Four. And even though I was hoping to see a seven-game series, and thought that the Lakers First Quarter run was a work of art (especially since Kobe Bryant didn't score a single basket), I would have loved to have seen what the Celtics did in the Third Quarter to match it...but instead I'd gone upstairs to bed, since I was feeling a little tired and didn't want to "push it," And was that the right decision or not? Well, who knows? I need to remind myself of this though: there is always a second half to be played, and I've got plenty of firepower on the bench. Defend, Rebound, Run the Floor, Share the Ball, Attack the Basket, Make the Extra (but not the EXCESS) Pass to Earn an Easy Score. It really is a very simple game. But so elegant and graceful in its balance and athleticism....