Oh Deer! Winter is Here!

whew... And this is how it has felt here in Portland this past week. I feel lucky that I've been able to stay inside the past three days, but still I feel the burden of it. The weight of winter. All that snow, piled everywhere. It's overwhelming. Makes me grateful to have a roof over my head and to be surrounded by four warm walls, one of which has a westerly-facing window, which allows me to nap in the afternoon sunlight like a cat or some sort of lizard.

Meanwhile, I am slowly catching up with my church-work. Wrote a seminary recommendation for my former Director of Religious Education, and now I'm returning to my sermon for this coming Sunday, which I would have preached last Sunday if I'd been feeling up to it. The problem is now that I have too MUCH material, and need to figure out what to leave out. Which shouldn't be too much of a problem. Since nothing is ever TRULY lost...I can always use it again next week.

But maybe I really should try that nap first....

"Sicko"

Sat down the other night to try to watch the DVD of Michael Moore's award winning film ""Sicko," but had to switch it off after only a few minutes...it was just too depressing and discouraging, especially for someone in my situation. Sure, I know the Health Care system sucks...mostly because it is really more a Health Care INDUSTRY now rather than an actual system for providing effective and affordable Health Care, which of course drives most health care Providers crazy with frustration, requires patients to learn patience, and generates a lot of profit for big pharmecuetical companies, and health insurance companies, and hospital holding companies, and...well, enough of this tired old rant. Turned the movie off, thanked God for the excellent Health Care I'VE received during my year-long (and still going strong) illness, and all the kind, caring, devoted people I've met along the way. I just wish everyone could enjoy the kind of health care I've enjoyed over the past 12 months. And that it was more affordable for everyone.

Also noticed in the elevator that next Thursday we will be holding a "Service of Remembrance" here for the 16 members of this community (14 women, and 2 men) who have passed away in the past 6 months. The gender ratios are somewhat reflective of the general population ratios here; lots of the men have passed away long before their widows found their way here. Still, you have to wonder -- with a general population of 139 residents, what does it mean to a community like with one to lose 10% of its residents every six months? So far for me these are all just the names of strangers, but that won't last forever. I've made friends now in the six months I've lived here, and statistically I know that sooner or later one of them is going to show up on that list. And then another, and another... It's the price we pay for the gift of life itself.

Maybe that's why I'm finally beginning to fear death. Instead of saying "goodbye" to this one or that one, someday I'm going to have to say goodbye to everyone and everything I have ever known. And I'm not looking forward to THAT sense of loss one little bit.

And then there are the more common fears: of losing my lucidity, of simple physical pain, of no longer being in control of my faculties, and being completely dependent upon others until "at last God calls me home." Except that right now I feel perfectly at home right here on earth. hummm....so maybe that's the part I really need to work on now. And thank God I'm in the perfect position to do just that.

Better Days

And unlike so many of my friends, I've basically been miserable for the first three days of the Obama administration -- sick in bed vomiting, and with diarrhea, nausea, night sweats, fever, chills, and all the other little nasty aches and pains that accompany those nasty winter bugs... Awful. Just Awful. Fortunately, the staff here have been equally wonderful about caring for me and making sure that I have everything that I need and don't expire anonymously in the night. It's really a horrible feeling to be sick and all alone, which makes me feel all the more grateful that in my situation help was only the push of a button away. I did decide to pass my pulpit responsibilities for this Sunday off to my designated "back-up" though -- which was a very hard thing for me to do, even though I felt immediately better the moment I had done it. And finally, this morning, some actual breakfast: cheerios and half an English muffin, plus three different kinds of juices (none of which really agreed with me).

I have no idea what this photo is going to look like here, but I hope it's half as impressive as it was in the paper. [click on image to expand it to full size]

The Content of their Character

And it looks like I'm evolving into a once-a-week blogger, whether I want to or not. And even at that, I don't feel like I have that much to say. I think I've gotten over whining about having to change Health Insurance providers, at least for the time being; my physical health seems good -- fairly decent energy, relatively free of pain, the Chemo seems to be doing it's job, and I can feel the improvements with my Physical Therapy after practically every session; and life at Church seems to be moving along quite smoothly as well. I enjoy being present to lead the "ordinaries" on the Sundays that I'm not preaching, while this schedule of in and out of the pulpit every other week seems to suit just about everyone, including the people in the pews. I still have a few issues to resolve around my disability insurance, but hope to work that out before the end of the week; and then at the end of the month I'm planning to move into a new apartment here at my current facility. It's in the other tower, and about the same amount of room as I have here -- but I get a full kitchen (instead of just a fridge and a microwave) as well as in-unit laundry, a walk-in shower (with built-in shower seat)...although I do lose my balcony, which I'm sure I'll miss in the spring. And because it's upstairs though I'll be a little more off the "beaten path" as well, which I may or may not enjoy.

I'm also very excited about tomorrow's Inauguration, and everything that it represents about 500+ years of American History. Has me thinking about the illusion of Race and the insidious corrosiveness of Racism - this ideological fiction we've created in order to justify one half of a family owning their brothers and sisters as chattel property. And the problem: how DO we teach ourselves to see beyond it, to that place where skin color is no longer a marker of "other?" An Obama Presidency has got to be a huge step forward in this regard. And it also makes me happy to know that as a child Barack had at least a brief exposure to the Unitarian faith, through his grandparents Stanley and "Toot." The sad part is that I'm probably going to end up missing most of the actual ceremony itself, because of a Physical Therapy appointment and our regular Tuesday staff meeting. But I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities to watch it later, including the controversial invocation by Purpose-Driven Pastor Rick Warren.

Funny, but I'm feeling very prayerful at the moment. All of the things I've sacrificed to this cancer, and still I'm feeling grateful, almost beyond words. And I honestly don't know whether that is an indication of something wrong with me, or something very, very right....

Monday, another Monday...

And I'm a little surprised about how much anxiety i was holding inside about the possible results of last week's CT scan, and how good it feels to have that out of the way, and to be back again only to dealing with my usual Sunday post-preaching adreneline crash. And today -- very much outside the box: caught a taxicab over to Sacred Heart Church in South Portland where I attended a funeral mass for my friend Steve, then hitched a ride with Steve's brother back over to the reception at the Holiday Inn and then afterwards caught a ride back to my place (only a few blocks away) from one of the people that I met there. Felt very independent, and also quite connected. The service was good -- very fine eulogy and a nice address as well; the priest (Fr McAllister?) seemed to be a pretty erudite fellow who knew his Greek Testament and caught Steve's "Free Spirit" pretty well. And I enjoyed the unfamiliar "familiar" hymns: "Be Not Afraid" and "On Eagle's Wings," which I almost never hear except outside my own Unitarian Church. And yes, we are all going to miss Steve a lot. But I do feel better knowing just how much of him I still carry with me everywhere i go, and that I can rely on that whenever I choose to reach out and trust it....

Updates sad and glad.

I've been waiting three days now with barely 'bated breath to learn the results of last Tuesday's CT Scan, and today I heard: no real changes in the size of the tumors, no evidence of growth or metastasis -- in short, about as good of news as I could have hoped or expected to hear, and a nice sense of relieve for myself, the church, and all my friends and family. Yes, it would have been nice to have heard that my cancer was melting away like an open carton of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream on a hot August afternoon in New England...but that would have been an awful lot to expect, expecially since this isn't August So we just left the Ben & Jerry's at the suppermarket, and came home to celebrate with my favorite local wood fired pizza and some salads.

The sad news is a little harder to sit with. Learned last Wednesday that my friend Steve Lesneski -- Steve the Sailor or "Cap't Steve" -- passed away Wednesday night at the Gosnell Memorial Hospice House in Scarborough, in the company of his brother Paul. Steve and Paul had both come to be friends of mine in the past 18 months, and one of my own deep regrets is that I know that my own illness prevented me from spending as much time as I would have liked to with Steve in the last few days and weeks of his life. But I also know that my friendship with them both has made a huge impression on my own life in that time, and I only hope that those feelings were reciprocated in a way that allowed Steve to draw upon the wisdom and inspiration of "Father Tim" as he needed it in his last days.


Yacht Southerly under sail...


Yacht Southerly careening in Portland Maine

The Spirit is willing...

but the flesh is weak. And that was certainly my experience at church yesterday morning. One of my colleagues was in the pulpit, preaching on the theme "The Adventurous Spirit;" my only duties were to welcome the visitors and introduce the announcements, and then later to lead the "Moment for All Ages" -- a message directed specifically to our children just before they leave for their Sunday School classes. I knew I was in trouble when I arrived at church and didn't even have the energy or the appetite to enjoy our monthly pancake breakfast -- just a class of orange juice and a cup of coffee felt like too much. Got vested into my robes without too much trouble, but I did ask my colleague to welcome the visitors, which he readily agreed to do. A few moments later my other colleague volunteered to take the children's story off my hands as well, and after thinking that over for half-a-second. Which left me with nothing left to do except sit in the parlor of the Parish House listening to the service over the loudspeaker, and trying to stay awake in my wheelchair.

And now, of course, I'm second-guessing myself. I guess this is just what I'm fated to do. I want my people to see me as strong and committed and devoted to this church, despite my illness and the subsequent disability it has brought about, but at the same time I DONT want to have them witness the opposite when I just can"t get it done, no matter how hard I may try. I feel a lot better today (after having slept, intermittently, from noon until about 6 am this morning) so naturally I'm felling like if I had just gutted it out and soldiered on, I could have gotten it all done. But that's not what my guts were telling me yesterday. My guts were telling me to back off and take it easy, knowing that next week there will be another Sunday.

Next Sunday I AM scheduled to preach, so it's really important that I feel in tip-top shape. And I keep telling myself as well that this could simply have been "that thing that's been going around" -- headache and runny nose, fatigue, body aches, queasiness and loss of appetite. It doesn't HAVE to be the chemotherapy. But it probably is....

NEW YEARS DAY

And what a lovely New Year's Day it's been. Basically, I have done nothing today but sleep late, talk on the telephone, read, think, and watch the Rose Bowl on TV. Did spend a couple of hours this afternoon with our church webmistress going over our site and thinking of ways that we might make it more useful both to our current members and also to potential visitors who want to check us out -- more and more newcomers are finding churches on-line these days, so it has really become essential to have a top-flight site. And there are lots of things about our site I like quite a bit, but I also know that we can always be better. But a lot of that has to do with content as much as organization, a lot of which falls right back on my shoulders again.

This is also the day that all of my health insurance supposedly shifts over seamlessly from Harvard/Pilgrim to Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Since I was very, VERY satisfied with the service I was receiving from the former, I was really reluctant to change over in the first place, especially since the combination of lower premiums but higher co-pays probably won't end up saving me any money in the long run anyway. But apparently it's a lot better for the rest of the group, and the cost of staying on with H/P as an individual subscriber really was prohibitively expensive. So I just keep telling myself not to sweat the small stuff, and to keep calm and take it easy while everything sorts itself out. The main thing is that I just need to get my new insurance cards and ID numbers right away, so that my treatment can continue uninterrupted. For example, I'm supposed to have a CT scan sometime next week, but I'm reluctant to schedule it until I know it's been approved by my new insurance. Same thing for my prescriptions, new referrals from my PCP to my Oncologist, and (of course) double-checking on my mental health benefits. Think of how much money insurance companies could save there if this all really worked as smoothly as it should!

Watching the Rose Bowl was another real treat. I hardly watch TV at all any more; don't have one in my room, and unlike TV-less times in my past I'm rarely even able to get to a bar any more if there's a game I really want to see. Missed both Oregon and Oregon State's bowl appearances...but knowing that the Pac-10 went 5-0 in bowl appearances this year really makes me proud to have gone to college on the West Coast, as a Dawg as well as a Duck and a Beaver. So it was sweet to be able to see the Huskies new Head Coach Steve Sarkisian in action, and to daydream about how much of that magic he might be able to bring to Husky stadium next year. A lot, I hope. The Dawgs could really use it....