Early Dawn

***


And it always seems to be those first few early moments in the morning, or the last few hours of the day, that give me the most trouble and cause me the most pain, and leave me feeling more isolated, vulnerable and alone than I do at other times of the day. And perhaps it is because I AM more alone, and isolated, and vulnerable in those moments -- so that NOT to feel that way would be out of touch with reality. Life doesn't always need to be that complicated.

Meanwhile, for some reason this painting has come to mean a lot to me over the years -- it's part of the collection of the Art Museum in Portland, Oregon, and I used to drop by to view it whenever I could, although ironically at the moment I can't even conjure up the artist's name. I think what I like best are the expressions on the three faces: the pondering, contemplative gaze of the sleepless man, and the innocent yet trusting vulnerability of his sleeping lover, and of course the trusting innocence of the dog sleeping peacefully at their feet...so perfectly camouflaged by the blanket covering the couple's legs that at first s/he is barely discernable. The dog's loyalty is unconditional: s/he is innocent, s/he is safe, s/he trusts. But the woman's sentiments are a mystery. Who knows how she will feel upon waking? And so her lover watches relentlessly, seeking a clue to her ultimate fidelity, or perhaps even weighing his own. A night of ecstatic passion -- but in the early dawn, how much suffering will follow this experience of standing outside of one's self in order to become at one with the other? No wonder the poor guy can't sleep! Maybe we all should be a little more like our dogs....

The 22nd of October (today) was/is my 52nd birthday. Tried to keep it pretty low-key, and for the most part I've pretty well succeeded. There are some years when I really do feel like making a big deal out of it, and maybe I'm being a little bit selfish not to feel that way more often...because frankly most years I would just as soon spend my birthday by myself, or perhaps in the company of one other special person. But this year that wasn't really an option, so I just kind of went with the flow: breakfast here, 10 am staff meeting at the church, monthly noon lasagna lunch with the ROMEOs (Retired Old Men Eating Out), then a couple of hours in my study at the Eastland with my computer guy, as we updated, upgraded, and backed up some of my old computer equipment there. And then finally, back to church for the first of our new mid-week "Eventide" services. All very nice, every comfortable -- especially the couple of hours in my study surrounded by my books. It inspired me once againto get them cataloged and in order, so that I can read to my heart's content on any subject that catches my eye that day.
This is what it looked like the LAST time I did that.

Meanwhile, if there's anyone out there who is still feeling fortunate after loosing (and gaining and loosing and gaining again) obscene amounts of money (on paper) these last few weeks, and wishes to express their gratitude through a random act of extreme generosity, I still wouldn't mind receiving something like THIS for my birthday.

OK, it was just a thought. A completely random thought....




Hummm. And is that the dawn, or the sunset out there?