The good days are all sweetness and light. I feel hopeful, confident, optimistic...smiles come easily, and the future seems bright and sunny. It's the bad days that are killing me. It's not so much about the pain, or the nausea, or the fatigue. Those things come and go as well...and if worst comes to worst, there is always another pill. It's really mostly about feeling afraid. Afraid that things won't get any better. Afraid of being helpless and abandoned and forgotten. Afraid of the bizillion other awful things the imagination can dream up when left alone to its own devices. And I've always had a very vivid imagination....
Meanwhile, the post office has lost two big book orders of mine, as well as a packet of medical bills MFW took with her to organize and return to me nearly a month ago now. Frustrating. Also this past weekend I was up at the Gibson again to receive outpatient heparin injections, which brought back all sorts of interesting memories of the month (more or less) I spent as a patient in that unit. Not exactly Deja Vu all over again, but close. And the pain. And the nausea. And the fatigue. Need to keep reminding myself that it's the cancer that is really hurting; that my "side effects" are actually just an echo of a dying tumor struggling blindly to avoid its own eradication? I like that image. I like that image a lot.
So, maybe it really is just that simple -- as simple as reminding myself it's all in my imagination -- just a bad dream -- and that I have nothing to fear but fear itself Truth is, I really don't have an answer to this conundrum. But I do remember this. The room always seems cooler in the dark. And it doesn't hurt nearly as much with the bright lights on.
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5 comments:
Hi Tim:
I wish I could say something profound or witty to make you feel better.
I urge you to keep up the positive attitude. Keep thinking about the shrinking tumor and how soon it will be defeated and that you WILL be back to your old self.
I am thinking about you and praying for you. I wish I could lessen your pain.
Lisa
Dear Tim, you're not forgotten! You are in my prayers daily. I read your every post and think about what you're going through and I hope for your complete healing, whether there is a cure or not. You are well-loved out here.
Hey Tim,
Your blog is the connection to your friends and family and associates. And you are not alone! My family wraps you up in our arms and cozy blankets and words every day so we can connect with you. In gestures and prayers and thoughts.
I'll be in Portland August 2nd and plan on visiting on the 3rd.
Dear Tim
You should know that I think about you every single day and I pray for your full and speedy recovery.
I know first hand how challenging it is to stay positive and optimistic when you are feeling nauseous and fatigued. I spent 7.5 months like that when I was pregnant with Teddy. The only times I got a brief break was right after I'd throw up. It just really ground me down.
Of course, I had a great gift at the end: Teddy. You will, too. Just keep telling yourself, "If I feel this lousy, think how bad the tumor must feel."
Grad school going well. Just 2 more classes to finish this summer and I'm finished with the classwork. Got a maternity cover job in Westford, which means my student teaching will be in my own classroom! Hopefully I'll have nice colleagues to help.
Thankfully, Teddy is well. Running around like a maniac as usual. We get final pathology tomorrow. I will be able to be truly relieved then. Please God. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for him.
Love
Lisa
Hey, Tim -- Afraid, Helpless and Abandoned are feelings that you are going through to get to the other side, which is confident, caring and loved. If you can clear your mind (get rid of the committee!) and find that quiet, serene place where you can allow God to help you through each day --
Praying for you daily
Mary Borders
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