Denied, Denied, Denied...

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The letter they sent me said my phone interview would take "at least" an hour, but in reality it was over in about twenty minutes. Back in 1984, when I was first presented with the option, I chose to file form 4361 exempting my clergy earnings from the Social Security Self-Employment tax. I can't really recall what I was thinking at the time: some highly-idealistic notion about the separation of Church and State no doubt, and the power to tax being the power to control...but basically it was just that I couldn't really afford to pay an additional 15% surtax on my already-meager clergy earnings and still keep body and soul together. So I "opted-out," always kind of assuming that at some point in time I would gravitate into academia (and the regular tax system) again, and by which time our elected government officials would have figured out and finally fixed all of the quirky idiosyncrasies of the current system, thus completing the promise of the New Deal.

Certainly hadn't counted on eight years of Bush 43 and his "steal from the poor to give to the rich" fiscal policies, nor that as a first world nation we would resist universal health care for so long, nor any of the other bizarre, "alternative reality" scenarios we've been living through here in the 21st century. At the very least I assumed that after our 19 year marriage, I would be able to collect benefits under my former wife's account...but apparently that's only true if she is dead, or we have both reached the age of 62.

Do you think I'll make it another 10 years to collect? I think I've got a pretty good chance to just on the strength of my old-fashioned, mule-headed stubborn tenacity....

Meanwhile, last meeting ever of the Maine Unitarian Universalist Ministers Association chapter yesterday, appropriately held at First Parish I felt, since no one could remember the LAST time we'd hosted one. Come July 1st this chapter will consolidate with the UUMA chapter in New Hampshire and Vermont, and become the "Northern New England" UUMA chapter instead. And likewise, my last meeting with this particular group of colleagues, whom I've actually had very little chance to get to know in the past two years.

So F*** Cancer! and let's get on with life.

Such bittersweet emotions: so sad to be leaving, angry at the way that this disease has taken...stolen, actually...not only from me, but from so many other people who love and care about this church the way that I have come to. I hate the feeling of helpless powerlessness, sitting on the sidelines not being able to make a meaningful impact on the outcome of events. Jealous of the colleagues who originally came in to help me out, and have now essentially taken my place -- I'm happy for their happiness, just as I know they are sad for the tragedy in my life that made their opportunities here possible. And I'm not really happy about the direction the church is going, and the restrictions (real or imagined) that "the current financial situation" have imposed upon us all.

Obviously we all need to live within our means. But the essential mission of the church is not to balance the budget. A budget is just a tool, for crissakes -- its a plan for how we will use our money if our revenues come in the way we predict they will. A complete act of educated fantasy, actually; or better yet, "guestimation," which we can hopefully make as accurately as we can without letting it completely dictate the terms of everything else we do. Worship, Hospitality, Fellowship, Education, Outreach, Pastoral Care, Social Justice -- these are the things that need to be at the HEART of our lives together. We will figure out a way to ends meet. Somehow....

But that's an awful lot of Inside Church for a sunny spring morning, just the sort of thing I'm supposed to be letting go of for the sake of my own health. And it's true. The relief I feel at NOT being responsible for all these issues any more is actually quite profound; surprising too, notwithstanding the grief I still feel over the loss of "what might have been," my feelings of helplessness and powerlessness in terms of being able to make a difference, or even just the disappointment I feel about the way that the events of these past two years -- both on the larger, international economic level, and in my personal/interpersonal life struggling with cancer -- have changed the "Vision of the Possible" at First Parish, and "grounded" it in a way that was perhaps a little TOO "realistic."

Sigh. At least yesterday finished up with a WONDERFUL little dinner party, hosted by the church treasurer no less! And not one of these topics came up; instead our congenial little group (the Treasurer and his wife, the Nominating Committee chair and her husband, our new Director of Religious Education and myself) talked about just about everything else EXCEPT church. Well, that's not EXACTLY true...we actually talked a great deal about church, but not about its problems. Instead we spoke mostly about opportunity, and planning/designing ahead to fulfill the possibilities rather than working down to overcome the challenges. I have been SO BLESSED by the people of this congregation; I feel so PRIVILEGED to have been called to serve as their minister; I am so DISAPPOINTED about the way that God, Fate, Destiny, Cancer has stolen this wonderful gift way from us all; and yet I TRUST that I will find meaning in it, and am CONFIDENT that I still have more work to do before "God calls me home" once and for all.

And as for those Social Security Disability benefits?.... well, consider the lilies of the field....