"Died in this Ministry...."

It's all public now, at least the part that needs to be, so I guess it's OK to write a little more about my "weird weekend" the week before last. As I approach the first anniversary of my life as a cancer "survivor," I've also started thinking a little harder about my future plans -- how much longer I intend to keep serving in this ministry, and what I plan to do with myself afterwards. So much of this past year has been consumed by the challenges of getting my disease under control, and recovering enough of my strength and mobility that I could return to work and contribute in a meaningful way...and the progress I've made in both of those areas has really been remarkable. But I'm also acutely aware of how tenuous this all is, and how easily my health could turn bad again in a relatively short time.

And apparently I'm not the only one whose been thinking about these questions. Still, it came as something of a surprise to me when the outgoing President of our Governing Board phoned to ask whether she cold stop by my apartment the Friday before last (thankfully NOT the 13th!) to tell me that she that she'd been reflecting about the future direction of First Parish, and thought that because of the uncertain nature of my health it would be best for the congregation if I announced my intention to resign from my ministry here at the end of this program year.

I say surprise because even though I'm also intimately aware that nothing involving cancer is ever certain (and even been thinking that we need to begin searching for someone to succeed me sooner rather than later), my thoughts were more along the lines of the model used so successfully by First Parish for much of the 18th and 19th centuries, of settling a "colleague" minister who would at first work alongside me before eventually taking over completely once I had "died in this ministry" (or at least determined that I still had a few more things left on my "bucket list" that I wanted to get to too). Not only did I write a doctoral dissertation in which this type of transition in ministerial tenure plays a prominent role, but I am also reminded of it every Sunday, when I wheel into the Meetinghouse and see the memorials which frame both sides of the High Pulpit, and recall how the Reverends Thomas Smith, Samuel Deane, and Ichabod Nichols faithfully served this congregation in sequence from 1724 to 1859, each first serving as a colleague to his predecessor before eventually taking over entirely following their deaths.

As it turned out, after that conversation (and a few other exchanges of phone calls and e-maisl) we ended up sending a joint letter to the entire congregation, signed by myself, the out-going President of the Governing Board, the in-coming President of the Governing Board, and both the Chair and the Treasurer of the Board of Trustees, informing them that we were beginning deliberations about the future course of my ministry here at First Parish, and wanted to hear their thoughts and feelings before making any decisions. And now that I've had a chance to sit with the idea for a little bit, I can begin to see some of the benefits of ending on a high note, BEFORE my declining health eventually forces me to leave. And this alone puts me in complete agreement with those who believe we need to begin searching for the next minister NOW, with the expectation of having them called and settled by autumn, 2010.

Like all UU ministers, I serve at the pleasure of the congregation, who are always free to call and settle whoever pleases them, and to dismiss their clergy as well whenever they cease to please. Furthermore (although I was not aware of this at the time), according to my Letter of Agreement, the moment my Long Term Disability claim was accepted I ceased to be the settled minister at First Parish! So in effect I continue to work here now on a handshake deal, and it will require some sort of pro-active decision on the part of the Congregation (even if it is something so simple as approving a line item in the budget for my continued compensation, benefits and expenses) for me to remain here beyond the end of this fiscal year.

So the real question still resides with the congregation. What kind of on-going relationship (if any) does First Parish desire to maintain with me after June 30, 2009? What does that look like, and how does it influence the kind of search we conduct in order to bring in another new minister in 2010?

For my own part, I am simply trying to stay calm, and keep my own stress levels to a minimum, while I savor every moment of ministry life still gives me, and adjust my own attitude so that I can see all the advantages of each of the alternatives. Knowing that this is no longer really MY decision, but rather God speaking to me through the whirlwind of congregational polity, I am listening carefully for that still, small voice that will explain to me why the decision that eventually emerges will indeed be the right path for us to follow.

It's also important to lift up the points on which we all agree:

• Everyone involved in this process wants what is best for the Church. We may not always see exactly eye-to-eye about what that might look like, but the more we talk with and listen to one another in an honest, safe and trusting manner, the more likely we are to see and appreciate perspectives other than our own.

• We also all agree that we would like to begin searching for my eventual successor sooner rather than later, with a goal of having someone in town and settling in by August, 2010.

• It's flattering for me to read about all of the good things people associate with my ministry here, and humbling to recognize how hard so many people have worked in order to support me in my efforts to return to the pulpit at First Parish. Their great generosity inspires in me a deep sense of gratitude, as well as the desire to reciprocate in whatever way I can, whether that ultimately entails either remaining here or moving on.

No doubt I will have a lot more to say about all this in the days and weeks ahead, as I continue to contemplate what is best for the congregation, and how that fits with my own desires for the future. I have many good options available to me regardless of which path I choose -- a choice that will ultimately be informed by what the congregation tells me is best for them, and my own limitations as a person living with a terminal cancer diagnosis. Having survived now for an entire year, my five year survival prognosis leaps from a scary 3-5% to a whopping 13-33% (depending on whose numbers you use), and there are lots of other things about my demographic profile that make me believe that my own odds are even better than these. Ever since I was a child, I've pretty much been in the 90th percentile in everything I've undertaken; I don't see any reason why cancer should be any different. Then again, I never expected to contract cancer in the first place, despite the approximately quarter of a million cigarettes I foolishly smoked when I was younger (but still old enough to know better!). 250,000 smokes, and not one of them tasted as good as simply a good breath of fresh ocean air first thing in the morning. And still, so much of our lives are in God's hands. And the sooner we realize that, the easier it becomes to live and live well with whatever life may bring us.